Visits With My Shrink
by Dorchester
Summary: The story is a record of Edward's weekly visits with his shrink. Goes with an angst warning, M/M love warning, tissue warning, and a wacky author warning.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns the original characters.

**Special thanks to: **Nancy for betaing (she's fabulous), Lotty and Loopy Lou for pre-reading (they're fantastic), Vanya for being my inspiration.

**Visits With My Shrink**

**Chapter 1**

Doctor Cullen meets me at the door and invites me in his office.

I sit in my chair, feeling comfortable as I'm so used to this already. He is going to ask me a ton of questions now.

Doctor Cullen surprises me today, by asking the question of my most frustrating memory. I have to tell him that story from my junior year.

"""""

Back then, Jasper lived with his sister Rosalie. Everyone knew the Hale twins. Gorgeous. Stunning. Flawless creatures. Always impeccably dressed, and they even smelled perfect. Blonde curls, blue eyes, long lashes, lean bodies - they had all you could dream of. Plus a wealthy family. Their parents lived in Europe and had left the twins with a comfortable condo all to themselves.

By the end of the first semester of our junior year, my best friend Emmett was already head over heels in love with Rosalie Hale. He was also the luckiest dude in the school then, because she had agreed to go on a date with him. And the rest is history, as they say. Rosalie and Emmett are happily married now and expecting their first child.

Jasper Hale? I hated his guts.

Sometimes, he would accompany Rosalie to a movie night with Emmett. Occasionally, I went with Emmett, too. It often happened the four of us were in the line for popcorn, or tickets, or whatever, and Jasper Hale did nothing but annoy the hell out of me. He was just too perfect; always cool and balanced, flashing his crooked grin and turning his head too quickly, never noticing how he actually dazzled me. He made me feel uncomfortable. And insignificant.

Little did I know of Jasper Hale.

In spite of his good looks, he never took a chance with a girl. And believe me, they wanted him. Craved him, if I have to be precise. How he could ignore all the attention was beyond me. My classmate Alice was regularly buying new clothes in the vain hope of catching his attention. New shoes every week, new hairstyle every month, all to no avail. Jasper Hale kept ignoring her and every other girl as well. He came across as an arrogant prick in my eyes.

On one of the rainy mornings of the second semester of that year, I approached Rosalie and bravely asked her what his problem with the girls was. "Why don't you ask him yourself, Edward," was her answer. "That's not my story to tell."

But I wasn't brave enough to approach _him_.

The end of the school year was coming close, and we had Prom to attend. Bella Swan, Alice's best friend, asked me to Prom, but said she wouldn't dance for anything on Earth. I agreed to be her date for the night, the non-dancing condition fitting perfectly to my taste. I was a good dancer, but hated the music they chose for school events.

Bella was a nice girl, and I'd always gotten along with her. When I picked her up that night, she wore a fancy blue dress and looked almost beautiful. I wondered if she expected me to kiss her at some point. I wasn't kissing her tonight, though. I was in a strange mood, and couldn't take my eyes off of Jasper Hale in a tux. Jasper never danced the entire night. I spent the evening in a corner, watching him, and was glad when the night finally ended.

One week later, the Hales threw a party.

We all got drunk. Alice and Bella giggled on the couch, raised their hands to attract our attention, and somewhat proudly announced they were "ready for some experimenting". Bella leaned to her left and placed a long, wet kiss on Alice's lips.

The sight of the two girls together like that disgusted me, and bile rose in my throat. I was dizzy, and ran to the bathroom down the corridor. I wasn't surprised to find it already occupied, the door locked, and I heard noises easily recognizable as a couple making out. Then I remembered seeing Mike and Jessica disappearing, so I could guess who was inside.

I didn't know if there was another bathroom. The place was huge, so I was sure there had to be at least one more. I went on a quest for a place to throw up, my dizziness getting stronger and very embarrassing. The next thing I knew, I bumped into somebody. And I mean _some_ body. Muscular, toned, and warm under a white tee. Very warm. I couldn't dare lift my head up, knowing any kind of movement would make me sick. I opted on staying pressed to that torso, inhaling several times, deeply. My nostrils filled with an intoxicating aroma. The feeling against that cotton clad chest was comforting and somehow pleasurable. Suddenly, there was a swell in my jeans. I was aroused, and I was well aware it was a man's torso I was pressed against. I also knew it was Jasper's. Five seconds later, I was puking all over his white tee.

Warm fingers grabbed my wrist, and Jasper dragged me further down the corridor. I was trying to apologize, but couldn't come up with coherent words. I staggered until Jasper shushed me. "Just stop it. We're gonna go get cleaned up in my bathroom." We entered a bedroom, and Jasper closed the door behind us. Then locked it. Twice.

"Get in there. Now." Jasper pointed to a smaller door to our left, obviously leading to his bathroom. I couldn't help but obey the tone of his voice. I entered and he followed me, locking that door as well. "Strip." Again I obeyed and started unbuttoning my shirt.

To my dismay, he undressed before me. His white tee, piled on the floor, was followed by boots, jeans, and briefs. His eyes were fixating the bulge in my pants. "What are you doing?" I managed to ask.

"I'm doing something I should have done a long time ago. I'm offering you my ass, and you, Edward, are going to fuck me."

And then, I passed out.

When I woke up it was morning. I squeezed my eyes closed to avoid the offending sunlight, but it still burned my eyelids. My head felt like it was going to explode, while I tried to remember why I was lying in someone's bed, completely naked. Then I remembered. And felt stupid. I needed to apologize to Jasper and try to make it up to him. My dick swelled again at the very thought of how many ways there were to apologize to that particular person. I finally comprehended we were gay, he and I. Visions of our future together haunted my imagination.

The bathroom door opened with a sudden click. "Ah, you're awake." His voice was quiet."Your clothes are clean and dry." He approached me, clutching my clothes in his hands, and remained silent.

"Why are you fully dressed? Won't you come in bed, I have to make it up to you?" I felt incredibly brave.

"Edward, I don't think this is ever going to happen."

"But... I thought we were going to be together, Jas?"

"Don't call me that. Again, this is not going to happen, sorry. Look, I am really attracted to you, but I'm not gay. Last night, it was a bit different."

"Oh... a bit different. You make me imagine my cock disappearing into your hole, and now you're telling me that you're not gay. I see." I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I was actually shattered.

"That was yesterday. And tomorrow, Alice and I are flying to Europe and I will introduce her to my parents. She's my new girlfriend, they need to know her." With that, he shoved my clothes in my hands and turned abruptly.

He left the room. At the very last glimpse, I saw something glistening in the corner of his eye.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns the original characters.

**Special thanks to: **Nancy for betaing (she's fabulous), Lotty and Loopy Lou for pre-reading (they're fantastic), Vanya for being my inspiration.

**Visits With My Shrink**

**Chapter 2**

Doctor Cullen greets me with a smile, as I sit in my comfortable chair and wait for his new questions.

"Are you feeling alright today, Mr. Masen?" he asks.

I tell him I'm okay, I've been feeling very well for the whole week since I've last seen him.

"And are you willing to tell me some more about your past, Mr. Masen? I think I know enough of your present already. However, your confession of your most frustrating memory proves to be helpful. I can see you're even smiling today. Let's dig a bit further, shall we?"

He asks if I've had repetitive nightmares.

~""~

It was the summer after our junior year. I was dating Bella Swan. The Hale twins were in Europe visiting their parents, and Alice was with them. I tried hard not to imagine Jasper and his petite girlfriend in a separate bedroom, but I was failing constantly.

"Edward, you seem so out of it," Bella said. "Something is eating at you."

And she was right. Regrets were eating at me, tearing my self-respect to infinitesimally tiny pieces. I was trying hard to forget what happened at the party, and convince myself I was straight, normal, and sane. I was failing at that, too.

Bella was insistent on taking me on mountain trips. I did enjoy the sunny days in the open, but the rainy days made me sad and melancholic, every raindrop reminding me of the single tear I'd seen in Jasper's eye. Bella also wanted me to drive her to the beach, but I knew I easily felt seasick just by looking at the waves. The mere thought of going near the ocean brought the idea of rising bile, and took me back to my most embarrasing experience. I told Bella my parents wouldn't allow me to go to the beach.

I also avoided any and all types of alcohol for the same reason, wanting to forget the destructive dizziness and never let it take over my brain again. I practiced with some weights in the gym. Emmett helped a lot with a reasonable bodybuilding programm, and soon I noticed my body was filling out in the right places.

Occasionally I kissed Bella, but most of our time together, she kissed me. We made out a lot. I enjoyed the feeling of her heated skin under my palms, and I cherished the pleasure of a warm naked body pressed against my bare chest. She always smelled so good, almost good enough to eat. There were just a few times when I thought of another scent, the one I had found intoxicating, and the feeling of Jasper's white cotton tee against my cheek was becoming almost real.

Bella lived with her father. He was working a lot and gone from their house too often, but that was something that went along with his occupation. He was Chief of Police, divorced from his wife, but married to his job. And Bella knew how to spend her time when her daddy wasn't home.

It was one of those rainy afternoons when we opted on staying in instead of hiking. Bella grabbed a beer from the fridge and offered me one, too. I refused politely. She plopped her tiny ass next to me on her daddy's favorite couch and started unbuttoning my shirt with her unoccupied hand. The other one held that beer bottle. I was about to ask her to put the bottle away when she suddenly leaned closer to my ear and whispered, "I haven't seen you naked, Edward. Why don't we strip and finally have sex?"

I ran, making the few blocks to my place in a frenzy. I hid in my room, locking the door from the inside, and wanted to disappear from the world. Then I leaned against my door and jerked off to the image of Jasper's glorious nakedness for the first time. The immense pleasure sent me straight to bed, my pants and palm sticky with my own cum. It didn't bother me; I felt relieved. I knew I would fall asleep before dinner, but couldn't help it.

Then, the dream came. Only I didn't know it was a dream, it was so real. I was fucking Jasper in my bed. He whispered my name, reaching to tangle his fingers in my messy hair. His lips were swollen, yet perfect, and his eyes sent sparkles of pleasure. My movements elicited grumbles from his throat, and I could tell he was reaching his orgasm. Mine was approaching too, tingling in my balls and tickling my spine, making my hand grip on his shaft even stronger. I wanted to make this moment last forever, but I knew I wouldn't be able to restrain myself any longer, deciding to let go with one final trust.

Suddenly, Jasper turned into Bella and I was fucking a pussy. I was fucking a pussy on the wet asphalt of our school parking lot in front of my classmates' eyes. Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper stood a few feet away and watched us, horrified. Jasper looked as if he was in pain.

In my dream, my dick instantly shrank and I felt ashamed and small, very small. Somehow, I knew I had failed both Jasper and Bella.

I blamed myself for letting my consciousness slip away that night in Jasper's bathroom. And I blamed myself for letting Bella believe I was able to be her lover.

I woke up to the sound of my mother's fists banging on my door.

"Edward, baby, are you alright?" Her voice was worried and the intangible feeling of guilt grew stronger inside me. "You were screaming, son. What's wrong?"

"I'm okay now, Mom. It's no big deal."

But it was.

The nightmare returned every night, until the end of the summer.

~""~

"Mr. Masen. Mr. Masen!"

Doctor Cullen is shaking my shoulder. I must have lost track of the passing minutes, and the clock shows our session is over.

I think reflections of my long gone nightmares are still haunting me, because right now, I feel small. Very small.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns the original characters.

**Special thanks to: **Nancy for betaing (she's fabulous), Lotty and Loopy Lou for pre-reading (they're fantastic), Vanya for being my inspiration.

**Visits With My Shrink**

**Chapter 3**

"You don't look happy today, Mr. Masen." Dr. Cullen is observant. "Why don't you tell me something pleasant for a change? You mentioned the end of that summer and the cease of your nightmares?"

"I wouldn't call it exactly pleasant, doctor. It was both marvellous and confusing as hell."

~""~

I owed Bella an explanation.

The very next day after my first nightmare, I went to her home, uninvited. She let me in with a suspicious expression on her face, but promised she would listen and try to understand. So I began explaining.

"Bella, it's not you, it's me."

"That's ancient, Edward, try to be more inventive."

"It's me, honestly. Bella... I... I'm gay."

"Nah, I don't buy it."

"I am, Bella."

Bella stared into my eyes for a good couple of minutes. We were both breathing heavily, and the silence was awkward. Bella gulped as if she was about to speak, but lost her courage and no words came.

"Shoot, Bella. I know you have questions, and I owe you at least some answers."

She hesitated for a few moments, "Okay. Here it goes. I have felt your hard on behind my back when you held me, Edward. And I know you've been with girls. How come you are all into boys now?"

"No, I'm not 'all into boys'. It's all about one person in particular. I don't want to be cruel to you, Bella, and I don't know how to apologize, but... uhm... I think my erections had something to do with images and memories and not with the present time. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."

"Care to tell me who that person is, Edward?"

"It's Jasper Hale, Bella."

"Jasper - Wait, what? He's straight, Edward. He's in Europe with his girlfriend, for God's sake!"

"No, he's not."

"What do you mean he's not? We know exactly where he is."

"He's not _straight_, Bella. I would say he's bisexual."

"But how do you know... oh..."

It probably dawned on her I wasn't going to tell her _that_. She didn't ask again.

"Bella, you're the one and only person on this continent to know my secret. Will you keep it to yourself, please?"

"I will."

"Promise?"

"I promise, Edward. I still like you a lot. Besides, I'm not that kind of person, you know. I never gossip."

I wished there was another version of me to whom gender was irrelevant. I liked her so much. My daytime friend and nighttime horror.

Second on my to-do list was rebonding with Emmett. I knew I hadn't paid enough attention to my best friend lately. He must be suffering following Rosalie's departure, so I invited him for a boys' night, and listened to his reminiscing about her tits and sweet ass for hours. I couldn't care less, but I listened. The guy was really suffering.

He was the sweetest person, and I couldn't possibly have a better friend, but right then, I didn't feel like confessing my misery to him. I knew I would tell him, some day. I made sure the boys' night happened once or twice a week until he got his Rosie back.

Another thing on my list was waiting for Jasper's return without going crazy. That was hard.

Bella, being Alice's best friend, knew they were due back in Forks by August 28th. I went nuts when I thought about seeing Jasper again. I was being ridiculous, but couldn't hold it back. Bella said it no longer looked like a crush - it looked like an obsession. Probably, she was right. I had my nightmares every night, and I had my daydreams, which included kidnapping Jasper, making him confess his attraction to me again, and fucking him into oblivion. I didn't describe it all to Bella, but she knew in general what I was hoping for.

"He's gonna be with Alice, you idiot. Stop making plans to steal him from his girlfriend."

She repeated that until August 28th, when the Hales came back. I happened to be waiting near their garage door. Don't blame me. I had to see him, if only for a second.

I saw a cab approaching, and when it parked a few feet away from me, I was already shaking with terror. I freaked and hid behind the nearest corner, but my movement didn't remain unnoticed. Jasper called my name. I had no choice but to reappear before him. I couldn't look him in the eye, knowing I was a stalker and an intruder. My hand trembled when I stretched my arm out to greet him.

Instead of shaking my hand, Jasper pulled me close and embraced me. Then he brushed his lips along my earlobe and kissed my temple.

I heard his calm voice over my head, "Rosie, could you please go in? I'll come with the luggage a bit later." The cab driver unloaded a couple of suitcases and pulled away. Jasper and I were alone. With his next words, I knew I had to be hallucinating. "I couldn't stop thinking about you."

And he kissed my temple again. _What a perfect hallucination_, I thought. I couldn't breathe.

"Edward, breathe." Was I that obvious?

He held me tight. I was in heaven.

"I'm in heaven," my lips whispered involuntarily into his ear, and he held me even tighter.

"Yeah, me too."

For a long minute, we stood silent, unmoving, and rock hard. I knew exactly what I wanted to do to him. I doubted my ability to even move an inch, though. My limbs were constructed from some jelly-like substance, and my head was spinning. I was helpless, overwhelmed, and dazzled, again, by his mere presence. The thought of finally being in Jasper's arms made me cry. Tears rolled down my face uncontrollably.

With the oldest gesture in humankind, Jasper wiped my cheeks with his thumbs and leaned in to kiss me. His lips were moisture, smoothness, and warmth all in one. That kiss was the payback to all my suffering.

_Welcome home, Jas,_ was my only thought.

Jasper broke the kiss and pushed me away from his embrace.

"I'm going in now. Thank you for coming to welcome me home." His voice was stone cold.

"What's wrong, Jasper?" I couldn't comprehend what was happening.

Jasper stared intently into my tearful eyes.

"_This _is wrong. _We _are wrong." He motioned his right hand between our standing figures.

"Do you know you are totally irrational, Jasper?" Anger was building inside me. I held my clenched fists next to my thighs and gathered my will to not hit him.

"We need to talk."

We agreed to meet the next morning.

That night, the nightmares didn't come. In my dream, I kissed every inch of Jasper's skin.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns the original characters.

**Special thanks to: **Nancy for betaing, Lotty and Loopy Lou for pre-reading, Vanya for being my inspiration. The four of you, you make me believe the world is a wonderful place. Thank you.

**Visits With My Shrink**

**Chapter Four**

"Mr. Masen, it's been five months since I met you for the first time inside this institution, and I've never seen you so radiant."

"My supervisors met yesterday, doctor. They told me I have a good chance."

Dr. Cullen scratches his head behind his ear and speaks quietly. "You're not leaving this place until I sign your papers. You know that, don't you, Edward?" He has never called me by my first name before. "And I am not signing anything until I am sure of your mental health."

"I'm aware of that, doctor. How can I prove to you that I'm all good?"

"You don't have to prove anything to me, Edward. I am here to help, before anything else. Just continue telling me about Jasper Hale. I can see your interaction with him is the root of your inability to fit into society."

~""~

I drove to Jasper's place and parked in front of the building, just in time to see him opening the exit door. He stepped outside and put his sunglasses on, looking to his left and then to his right in search of my car. It seemed the Volvo didn't catch his eye, and I used those minutes to observe his nervous pacing.

Simplicity is beautiful, they say, and Jasper was the essence of simplicity. Worn-out jeans, a black tee – I couldn't read the lettering on it from this far-black leather belt, and matching shoes. Jasper stopped pacing and looked straight to the Volvo.

I should have known better than to stay in the car and ogle him. He knew I'd been there watching him; the engine was not even running. My heart plummeted at the thought that our first date would begin with me chickening out_. Stay sane, Edward_, I scolded myself mentally, _this is _not_a date_. I opened the window and waved.

"This is not a date" were Jasper's first words when he approached. What the hell? Did we read each other's minds, or what? I nodded and tried to think of something to say.

"Do you want me to climb in, or we can go to the diner over there?" Jasper pointed to his left. I didn't even bother to look that way; I was too busy inventing a way to make my mouth speak. I succeeded, finally, and told him to get in. I wanted him in the confined space of my car.

"Well, hello, my lovely," Jasper murmured while climbing into the passenger seat. He was staring straight ahead through the window.

"What did you just say?" I was sure my ears had played a dirty trick on me.

Jasper turned his face toward me and smiled. "Nothing. Let's drive."

"No, I'm not driving anywhere until you repeat what you said."

"Okay. Have you looked at yourself in a mirror, Edward?"

"So you still find me attractive?" My hands shook on the steering wheel.

"You were attractive at the beginning of the summer, Edward." I gulped, frustrated by the past tense. "And now? Now you're stunningly beautiful. Can we go now?"

I started the engine. My sight was blurry, and I blinked a few times until I felt wetness on my cheeks. What was this thing about me crying like a stupid girl for the second time in two days?

Jasper touched my shoulder and I snapped my head his way. "Drive." The abrupt command brought me back to my task, and I pulled away.

"Where to, Jasper?" There was a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"You haven't chosen a place?" I shook my head. "We can just drive around then." My thoughts exactly. But _the talk _was coming, and I was terrified.

We drove in silence until we passed the city limits. I was holding my breath, fearing the moment when Jasper would open his mouth and explain how impossible a relationship between us would be. He didn't speak, though, and I occasionally caught a glimpse of his hands clenching the denim jacket. Something was torturing his mind, too.

"Pull over now, please." Jasper's voice startled me, and I almost lost control of the steering wheel. We were in the middle of nowhere. I parked the car beside the road, and when the engine died, the silence was deafening.

"Look at me, Edward."

His fingers slightly caressed my chin and gave me the courage to turn my head. I looked into his eyes and saw wetness pooling in their corners. Somehow, his momentary weakness made him look even more beautiful. Divine.

He hid his face in his palms and whispered, "We shouldn't be here. We shouldn't be alone in your car, or in any other place for that matter."

That made me snap. "Have you heard of mixed signals, Jasper? Cause that's exactly what you're doing. I don't think I can stand it anymore. I need you to tell me what comes next. Are you going to push me away for good now?"

"No, I'm not." He stretched his arm and entwined his fingers with mine. "We'll think of a way to make this work." He pulled our entangled hands to his chest and placed them over his beating heart. "This thing, in here, beats faster when you're near, Edward." He moved our hands towards his head, and pressed my fingers to his temple. "And this thing, in here, stops functioning when you're away."

That's when I kissed him. I kissed him furiously, not letting him breathe. I grabbed the blonde curls and held on for dear life, devouring the velvet sweetness of his tongue. Swallowing his intoxicating breath and pressing my body to his heat, I lost myself in his marvelous response.

Jasper again was the one to break the kiss, but unlike the previous day, he was smiling. "Yeah, and that thing down there," he pointed to his denim-clad groin, "hurts when I dream of you."

I chuckled, overwhelmed with relief.

There was just that little resident thought in the back of my mind that could spoil everything.

"You have to tell me about the whole Alice thing, Jasper."

"Yeah, I will. But not now. Kiss me again, Edward."

An hour later, we drove back to Forks, and I delivered my boy to the front of his home.

When he got out of the Volvo, I asked him to stand still so I could finally see the lettering on his shirt.

_Dream big_, it read.

~""~

**A/N:** I'm curious, did you guess the type of institution?


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns the original characters.

**Special thanks to: **Nancy for betaing, Lotty and Loopy Lou for pre-reading, Vanya for being my inspiration. The four of you, you make me believe the world is a wonderful place. Thank you.

**Visits With My Shrink**

**Chapter Five**

"We shall continue from where we left your story last time, Mr. Masen. I think I already know the reasons for your violent behavior."

I doubt he does.

"What was it like, knowing that Jasper reciprocated your feelings? Wasn't it good?"

"It was and it wasn't."

"I'm listening."

~""~

That was officially our first date. Well, not exactly, but sort of. We couldn't go to the movies, or the coffee shop, or the park, but that didn't bother us. We drove outside of the city limits again and parked the car in a safe place. We both agreed it was too risky to park right beside the road, so we chose a more secluded spot a few miles away.

It was odd to be in that car during the drive; we barely spoke. We didn't need to speak, though, because our entangled fingers held their own conversation. I hated to lose the magnificent feeling for the brief moments when I had to shift gears, but my hand never failed to find its way back to Jasper's.

He looked perfect, as usual. Casually dressed in a plaid shirt and black jeans, he wore the same boots which topped the pile of clothes in his bathroom a couple of months ago. The first glimpse of them made me feel uncomfortable, but a few minutes later, I admitted to myself they were the sexiest thing on earth. They brought back the memory I was so stubbornly blocking, the memory of a drunken, naked, and aroused Jasper within arm's reach. His cock looked delicious back then, and I suddenly hated myself for avoiding the memories of that night. It wasn't that bad, after all. It was the moment when this flawless creature asked me to fuck him. Well, not asked; he demanded. I actually liked it even more that way. Too bad I wasn't able to do what he wanted, but I knew I had my second chance. That thought made my own cock come alive and raise its head in search of a never experienced pleasure.

The engine died, and I pocketed the keys and faced Jasper.

"I want your cock in my mouth." I was determined to grab that second chance.

Jasper disentangled his fingers from mine and buried them in my hair. He stared intently into my eyes for a few seconds, and I could hear his raspy breathing and thought I saw a flash of panic in his pupils.

"An hour of making out yesterday, and today you're ready to suck my cock? You're absolutely precious. But you know what, Edward? I won't let you do that."

_Shit. He's afraid._

"Are you afraid?" I smirked.

"Not at all." He was serious." I just want us to do this right. Not in a car. And not in a bathroom, for that matter."

So, he wasn't panicking, but that didn't make things better.

"Why not, Jasper?"

"The last time I had a mouth on my cock, in a car, was the night before that party. It was Alice's mouth. She convinced me to drive her home. I think she planned the whole thing-making me stop in a dark alley, kissing me and shoving her hand in my pants. She did some pleasant things with that hand, and I was aroused very quickly. To make a long story short, when she put her lips on my cock, it died on her. You've never heard a shriek like that one, Edward. Her voice pierced my ears, and I had to put my hand on her mouth to shush her. She wouldn't stop mumbling 'N_o no no no no not again, not again'. _Her shoulders shook with her sobs. It turned out there was another time this happened to her, with another guy losing his erection while she sucked him. Poor girl, she was devastated. So I told her why it wasn't her fault, at least not in this case."

I raised my eyebrow. "Why wasn't it?"

"Let's say, I already knew I didn't enjoy women's company the way I should."

"Then why did you bring her to Europe?"

"Ah, that's complicated." Jasper's shoulders stiffened and he averted his gaze.

"Try me. I think I can follow."

Jasper nodded to the empty space on his right and sighed heavily. "Then you should learn about my father."And he told me about Major Jasper Whitlock, Senior, retired officer of the US army.

The marriage between his parents had been, and still was, a total disaster. His father's assignments during his time in the military lead the family to different places all over the world; some of them worth remembering, and some unremarkable. Jasper's mother followed her husband like the shadow she was expected to be, bringing their kids to new places and new schools, with new neighbors and new friends every year. She was compromising and obedient, until the Major decided she had to get rid of their third baby. He made her go to a fellow officer's funeral the same day as the abortion. Being the commanding prick he was, Jasper's father made her stand still and upright until the end of the ceremony and following dinner, withholding her tears and even smiling politely to his colleagues. She attemped suicide the same night, and her children found her unconscious in the bathroom, her naked body spread over the ice cold tiles. Their father took her to the hospital, and the next day, acted as if there was nothing out of order. Same barking commands about keeping silent, same offending remarks about the meals, same scolding comments about low marks in school. Nothing changed, except for Jasper and Rosalie's growing hatred.

"I don't know why Mom won't leave him, so don't ask. I know she doesn't love him; she doesn't even respect him. I believe she's made the twisted assumption it's for our good, mine and Rosie's. Sometimes I think I betrayed her by the simple fact that I was born. It would be so much easier for her to leave him if Rosie and I didn't exist."

Not a single tear. Jaspers eyes were dry. He kept his head raised and shoulders comfortably resting against the seat.

"He loves this God forsaken place on the Balkan peninsula where they live now. His twisted mind makes him feel superior to his fellow citizens. He doesn't even speak the language, but he's happy. He wanted us to go visit during the summer holidays just to show off his perfect children. He was insistent I should take a girlfriend with me, so I did. I made a deal with Alice. She was my camouflage. If my father ever finds out I would rather bring a boyfriend, I'm dead."

**A/N:** Thoughts?


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns the original characters.

**Special thanks to: **Nancy, Lotty, Loopy Lou and Vanya. My precious darlings, you are irreplaceable.

Thanks to my readers who follow and review this story. I am sure you know this means a lot.

**Visits With My Shrink**

**Chapter Six**

This is a shitty day. I so need to see the sun right now, but it's hidden behind heavy clouds. A storm is coming.

Dr. Cullen asks about more happy memories. He must have noticed I'm in a bad mood. The thunder outside startles us, and we keep quiet for a minute or two.

I try to recollect the first of my happy days with Jasper.

~""~

My second visit to Jasper's place was again something worth remembering, but in a much different way than the first one. This time we were smiling, cuddling, kissing. We were a couple, although no one else knew. And we were sober. Rosalie was out on a date with Emmett, and we had the condo all to ourselves for hours.

Somewhere in between our kisses, a curious thought crossed my mind. Jasper never told me his part of the deal with Alice. My stomach turned with the possible thought of my beautiful boy in her arms. I had to ask him, sooner or later. I opted on sooner.

"What's your part of the deal with Alice, Jasper?" The question brought a wicked smile to his face.

"Alice is determined to get a Master's degree in what she calls DAB's - Doing Amazing Blowjobs. At first, she wanted me to let her practice on me." I froze. "She said if she was successful with me for once, it would mean she could raise a body from the dead, and her failure would never happen again. I didn't agree, of course. So, my part of the deal now is to spread the rumor she's fantastic at sucking cock, so she can easily find boys for her DAB exercises."

I couldn't help but return the smile. She was good.

"Are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Spreading the rumor?"

"Well, of course, I am. Haven't you heard of Alice's mad skills?"

I chuckled. "Maybe I should make up a story and add to her fame, too." That would be a win-win; Alice would have another score, and I could add another girl to my almost non-existent list. In the next moment, my chuckle died away. "Does Rosalie know?"

"About Alice's mad skills?" Jasper flashed a half-smile my way.

"About you being gay."

"Me. Being gay. I've yet to admit it to myself, but yes, I think she knows. She's tried to set me up with boys."

"Ah... how'd it go?"

"She never succeeded. I wouldn't let her. I always found excuses, because I've been dreaming about you, Edward. No one compares to you."

I couldn't believe my ears. That was the most freaking wonderful thing I'd ever heard in my entire life.

"You bastard. Why didn't you tell me? You tortured me with your disregard!"

"Shut up and kiss me."

I did. I knew I would get back to the topic at some point, but right then, nothing was more important than the play of our tongues. My hand rested over the cotton material covering his sinewy shoulder, until I felt the urge to touch his bare skin. I reached for the hem of his shirt and lifted it, fearing his reaction. There was none; he didn't stop kissing me. I glided my palm over his abs and heard him groan.

Shit. That was a beautiful sound. My hard-on stirred against my tight jeans, and I hated them at once. _No tight pants next time_, I thought. My hand explored his smooth skin, the tips of my fingers traveling over his torso and stopping at the small of his back. He felt like a breathing, velvet-covered heating pad. I imagined him in my bed on winter nights, to cuddle and warm up to. I knew perfectly well I was losing my mind.

Right then, in Jasper's room, I realized I was blessed.

My imagination projected different scenarios on the blank screen of my mind.

Me, taking Jasper's gorgeous length deep in my mouth. Me, ghosting the tips of my fingers over his sensitive ball sac. Jasper, burying his hands in my hair, massaging my scalp, barely withholding his urge to fuck my mouth vigorously. I imagined he would shiver and send pleading looks my way, but I would torture him with skilled foreplay until he begged.

And, what if... what if he would take _my _length in _his_ mouth? Those immaculate lips would slide over the length of my erection. Jasper's warm breath ruffling the hairs on my lower stomach. His hand would caress my lower back, causing goosebumps on my skin all over my body, from head to toe...

I couldn't stop wondering what it would feel like to touch those light hairs below his abs. I also wondered if he had hair around his hole, and what it would feel like to lick there. Would I push my tongue in? Yes, definitely, I would. I craved to be in there, one way or another.

At the thought of penetrating Jasper's ass, I nearly fainted...

"You're going to choke me!" Jasper was grinning wide, while pushing me slightly to my side. "What were you thinking of? You didn't seem to be paying enough attention to that kiss."

Oh, he was pouting now. Sweet Jesus, he was gorgeous.

"Jasper, you have no idea how distracting my imagination can be."

"Well, care to tell me what you just imagined?"

I told him.

"We shall begin with the first scene of your fantasy immediately."

Jasper was shaking. He resembled the look of a very hungry predator, and who was I to oppose the predator's intentions? My hand rested on his groin, on the bulge of his erection. Something moved under my touch. I knew it was his cock pleading to be set free and receive attention. We stared into each other's eyes while my hand made its way under the waist band of his pants. I did set his cock free. Jasper closed his eyes, and I averted my gaze toward the precious piece of gorgeousness my hand caressed. I held my breath, and bent down to put my lips around my boy's cock.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns the original characters.

**Special thanks to: **Nancy, Lotty, Loopy Lou and Vanya. My precious darlings... What can I say, you _are_ precious, really.

Thanks to my readers who follow and review this story. I am sure you know this means a lot.

**Visits With My Shrink**

**Chaper Seven**

"Have a seat, Mr. Masen."

I take my place in my comfortable chair. Dr. Cullen's mild features are illuminated by a wide smile.

"I have very good news for you, Mr. Masen. A couple more visits and I'll be ready to sign your papers."

~""~

_Condoms and lube, condoms and lube... What else? Should there be anything else in my pocket?_

It all seemed to be so smooth and easy in those porn videos, beautiful acts of fucking of beautiful actors. They did it like it was a game. It wasn't a game for me. I needed it to be perfect, of course, and I couldn't stop wondering if doing this _thing _would hurt Jasper. I couldn't imagine how different it would be for me from fucking a pussy, which I had done so long ago. In my nightmares, I knew the difference between the two, but what would it be in real life? And, oh my horror, would I last long enough? I felt I was close to exploding by the mere thought I was on my way to Jasper's place-where he would be waiting for me in nothing but his boots. That's what we had agreed upon when he admitted he needed to make up for his treatment of me. He told me I could ask for anything, and that's what I asked for. A naked Jasper opening the door and inviting me in. Into his home and into his body. The boots were a bonus.

The elevator moved unnervingly slowly. My palms were sweating. When I reached my destination, I was a mess. Dizzy. Nauseous. I rang the bell, awaiting the view of my naked Jasper, hoping he wouldn't be as nervous as I.

A tall figure stood before my eyes when the door finally opened. Not Jasper, not at all. Not naked, either. The man was much older and heavier built than my boy, but a second glance made me realize there was a certain resemblance. The hair color, the delicate nose, the full lips.

Fuck me. Major Jasper Whitlock, Sr. in person.

"Who are you?" he barked.

I heard Jasper's voice form the inside, "Dad, let him in, that's a friend of mine."

_A friend. _That stung.

I walked in, confused as hell.

"Come in, young man," a woman's soft voice came from the kitchen. "We're about to have lunch." The voice came nearer, and a good-looking middle-aged woman came into sight. So, that's where Jasper got his slender frame from. She looked fragile. "I'm Marie, Rosie and Jay's mother, and that man who often forgets his manners is Mr. Jasper Whitlock, Sr."

"You can call me Major. And you, woman, shut up. I'll tell you about bad manners." The woman visibly shrank in size and couldn't find it in herself to respond. The thunderous voice interrupted my attempt to speak, too. "Jasper, you should introduce this young fellow here to us."

Never had I imagined Jasper could look that aggressive. The offensive ring to his father's voice made him squeeze his eyes shut and hiss, "You didn't give me the chance, Sir."

I had to do something to lighten the mood. I stepped closer to the Major and stretched out my hand. "My name's Edward, Edward Masen. Nice to meet you, Sir, Madam." I nodded politely towards Mrs Whitlock, too. "I've heard a lot about you."

My hand remained suspended in the air. Major Whitlock turned his back on me and walked away. "Wonder what this son of mine is saying about his parents."

Okay, he was evil. It wouldn't have bothered me, if I hadn't seen the furious expression on my boy's face. I wished Jasper wasn't affected by his father's rudeness, but he was. Obviously.

"We won't be waiting for Rosalie. Let's eat," The Major commanded and pulled out a chair. "Sit down, you."

I wondered if I should obey. This was far from his son's commands; his son's commands gave me hard-ons. This one? This one promised trouble. I already sincerely hated the man. I sat reluctantly and waited for the others to take their places around the table.

Jasper deliberately avoided my gaze. He picked at his fingernails and made strange noises, as if beginnings of sentences were stuck in his throat, and he struggled to keep them in and to remain silent.

Finally, he gave up and sighed. He spoke to Mrs. Whitlock. "Do you need help, Mom?" She didn't need help. She was busying herself with the last dishes. When she was seated at last, I dug into my plate of strange salad.

"Uh-oh, what have we here? Aren't you grateful for your food, young man?" I chewed on my first bite of tomato and stared intently into his eyes. I knew what he meant without asking. Poor me, eating my food before the religious family said their prayer. None of us spoke until the Major finished the longest prayer in human existence. At last, we all dug into our dishes. "Marie, you silly woman, where is the salt?" The Major's voice startled me. She jumped to her feet and ran to the kitchen to bring some salt. When she came back, she handed the little pot to her husband, not looking him in the eye.

"Just place it over there and sit down. I don't need extra salt."

What the hell? Questions hanging on my tongue, I had yet to hear why these people were here. Not only did they ruin my day, their presence did strange things to Jasper, and I didn't like that. We ate in silence. Mrs. Whitlock served strange food and bread that must be typical to an Eastern European kitchen, and I had to compliment her on the excellent food, exotic and delicious.

The awkward silence continued until Jasper's father broke it. "Okay, I'm full. You two may be excused."

He motioned towards Jasper and I and then towards the door. Something was boiling inside me. I stood abruptly and heard the chair behind me crash to the floor. I almost ran out of the room hoping Jasper would follow. Shit, I needed to know what was going on.

On my way to his room, I heard his footsteps following behind. Thank God. We entered his room one after another, and Jasper closed the door behind us. Then locked it. Twice.

That was some torturous déjà vu. No chance I would be seeing him naked this time. At least he kissed me wildly, and I had the chance to press myself to his warmness for several seconds.

"Wait, this is weird, Jasper." I pointed somewhere toward the kitchen. "Why are they here?"


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns the original characters.

**Special thanks to: **Nancy, Lotty, Loopy Lou and Vanya. I mean real special thanks.

**Visits With My Shrink**

**Chapter Eight**

"We are approaching our most important conversation, aren't we, Mr. Masen?"

Yes, I think we are.

"You want me to tell you how it happened," I state. I don't ask. I know what he wants to hear.

~""~

"I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!" Jasper banged his head with his fists.

I had to stop him; I held him tight and stood silent, hugging him and caressing his golden curls lightly. I heard a sob which brough an unexpected sharp pain to my chest, somewhere where my heart should be. I desperately needed to go punch the jerk in the face, but of course, I didn't go anywhere. That was my boy's father. You don't do such things to your boy's father, right? I held Jasper even tighter, and placed several featherlike kisses on his temple. Another sob. I pushed him away, taking his face in my hands while kissing his forehead, his closed eyelids, his cheecks. Wet cheeks. That scumbag had made my strong, independent, mercurial beloved cry. _My_ _beloved_.

"I love you, Jasper." The thought struck me right then and there, and I said it out loud. It tasted sweet on my lips."I love you." A new outburst of sobs shook his body violently. "Your tears are breaking my heart, Jasper, please, stop." He bit his lower lip and nodded.

"Fine." His voice came weak. "Say it again. Please."

I held his hand and pressed his palm to my chest. "I love you, Jasper. With all my heart."

"Thank you."

I raised my eyebrows. Was that all he could say in answer? A _thank you_?

"Don't give me that look, Edward." Jasper was smiling now. "Come." And he lead me to his bed, where I sat. He didn't sit, he kneeled in front of me.

"I didn't thank you for your love, Edward. I thanked you for voicing it. I thanked you for your bravery, for your kindness, for your warmth. I thanked you for existing." He took a deep breath, and let it out sharply. "I love you, too. Forgive me for being an idiot."

Those eyes sparkled with the remaining wetness; azure, innocent, and frightened.

"He's here to disown Rosalie. And he took my phone in case I decided to warn her. This is why I couldn't make a call and stop you from coming."

"Wait, why would he disown Rosalie?"

"She's pregnant, Edward. She already was when we left for Europe, but she is not showing yet."

"But how did he know, and why now?"

"She made the decision to keep the baby just the other day. She told Emmet first, then me, and then Mom. Mom is not the person to keep a secret from the Major, no way. Poor Rosalie didn't see this coming. He will demand she has an abortion, and I know she won't. If she disagrees, he'll disown her. He told me."

I held Japer's hand and helped him stand on his feet. "Don't you dare think the same thing will happen to you as well. We'll just never let him know about us. You're dating Alice, I'm dating Bella, okay?"

"I'm more worried about Rosie now, you know." Jasper sighed. "She's happy with Emmett. He's asked her to marry him, and she already said yes."

"Emmett will be a wonderful father."

There was nothing more to say. We held hands in silent agreement to wait and see what came next. We stared into each other's eyes, my thumb occasionally caressing his fingers, until there was a sharp knock at the door. Jasper stood up, panicking, and unlocked it as quietly as possible.

His father's hand appeared and passed Jasper his phone. "You just had a call from your sister. Call her and check what she wants." The huge figure shadowed the sun coming through the window when the Major entered the room.

Jasper had a very short conversation with his sister. "She says she's coming in a few."

"That's good," the Major's thunderous voice announced, and he stretched his arm to take the cellphone back.

My knees weakened when I saw the terror on my boy's face. Then his expression changed into a furious one, and he clenched his fists until his knuckles became white. "Let's go out there," he demanded, and we went back to the dining room. It was too soon when we heard Rosalie's key in the lock.

She came into sight, the perfectly looking creature as usual, and froze at the sight of her parents.

"Mom, Dad, what happened? Why are you here?"

The Major approached his daughter, yelling in her face. "You tell us, you little whore! You, living in sin and carrying a fatherless child!"

"My child will not be fatherless!" Rosalie's wild eyes encircled the scene and came upon me. Her cheeks reddened. "Dad, this is not the right moment to discuss my unborn child." She sounded almost calm. She tried to push the Major aside in an attempt to make her way to her mother.

She was almost successful, but the Major pulled her by her shoulder and turned her to face him again. "Nobody's telling me the right moment to speak," he hissed, and slapped Rosalie across the face. She pushed him again, vigorously, and burst into tears.

We didn't notice how the Major's feet entangled with my chair that was still lying crashed on the floor. His enormous body flew to the floor, and his head hit the tile with a loud thump. Blood came a few moments later.

Mrs. Whitlock called 911.

Manslaughter.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns the original characters.

**Special thanks to: **Nancy, Lotty, Loopy Lou and Vanya. You are fabulous, ladies.

**Visits With My Shrink**

**Chapter 9**

"That's not what you have been sentenced for."

Dr. Cullen has read my record, of course.

~""~

The next minutes were a whirlwind.

_Manslaughter_. That was the only word I'd heard through Mrs. Whitlock's blubbering.

"Mom, give me that." Jasper snatched the cellphone from his mother's hand_. "_ Please excuse my mother, she's panicking. No one is dead here. We have a man with a wound on his head, and he's unconscious. Please just send an ambulance." Jasper gave the address_._

Meanwhile, Rosalie fainted, her body collapsing at her mother's feet. The older woman produced a tiny shriek and fell to her knees. She caressed her daughter's scattered curls and gradually increased the volume of her whines.

To my dismay, Jasper stood still. He observed the scene with an unnatural calmness; arms crossed in front of his chest, feet spread at shoulder width, eyes blinking slowly.

He finally spoke. "Mom, why would you call them claiming he was dead? The bastard is alive, see? He's breathing." She shook her head in disbelief and remained kneeling on the floor. Jasper didn't make another sound until the door bell rang.

"I'll get that," he stated in the coolest voice possible. Something about his tone was disturbing, but I couldn't quite figure it out. He left the room with a long stride.

A minute later, the paramedics entered, followed by my lovely boy. He spoke to them in an awfully calm manner. "There he is. He's breathing, but seems to be unconscious. We haven't touched him. And maybe you should look at my sister, too. She fainted at the sight of the blood. And she's pregnant."

The crew busied themselves taking their vitals, securing the Major's neck and eventually transferring his motionless body to a stretcher. The blood from his head stopped running after the wound was treated. The Major looked as if he was asleep.

Mrs. Whitlock stopped whining before the paramedics' appearance. She'd been quietly sobbing beside her daughter, until the moment her gasp startled us and she announced "She's awake!"

Rosalie stirred, confusion and panic in her eyes, and sat up with one abrupt movement. Her mother helped her stand.

Something brown had spotted the denim material on Rosie's inner thigh. I slowly realized the spot was growing bigger. Jasper was looking at that spot, too, and then squeezed his eyes shut.

"Oh, no. No, no, no! Rosie!"

Rosalie followed his gaze and her eyes went wide. When she faintly whispered, "My baby," her brother ran and embraced her.

I wanted to hug the two of them, even their mother, but I knew it would be completely inappropriate. I made myself invisible in the corner of the dining room, trying to take in the significance of the scene unfolding before my eyes.

The paramedics took the Major. Jasper carried Rosalie in his arms, and their mom and I followed them down the stairs, out to the ambulance. I approached, offering to drive him and his mother to the hospital, following the ambulance with the Volvo. He refused.

"You know what I've been thinking up there, Edward? You should go. Go, and keep away from the freak show that is my family." He put his hand on my chest, his look piercing a hole in my sanity.

"What? Are you out of your mind, Jasper?"

"Just go!" He was screaming in my face, his whole body shaking with the effort to restrain his emotions. "You should disappear right now!"

That outburst rendered me speechless. I simply nodded and turned my back on my beautiful boy, who didn't want me to be there.

_My boy doesn't need me. My boy doesn't need me._ The thought played in loop mode while I drove straight home. My stomach was tied in a knot. The afternoon sun blinded my eyes, or was it the tears? I threw my shoes to the opposite sides down the corridor and ran straight to the fridge. Mom's wine stood there, I knew that; I grabbed the almost full bottle. An hour later, I had finished the entire bottle. I went to the guest room and rushed through the cabinet there. Yes, the vodka. Half full. I carried the treasure to my room and finished with it in the next couple of hours.

I did a lot of thinking. Just about the time my mom should be coming home, my mind was made up. I would go to the hospital and find him. I would tell him I didn't want to be away from him in that moment, or at any other moment, as a matter of fact. I would tell him he meant the world to me.

I remember the walls in the hallway were trying to get closer to each other and smash me on my way to my goal, the ceiling doing funny movements and the floor getting closer from time to time.

There it stood; my Volvo. I tred to push the key in the door lock, but it wouldn't fit. _Bad key, bad car._ I tried again and the lock gave up, but then I had to struggle with the ignition. Finally, the Volvo purred in its soft voice and I drove.

Then, the accident happened...

~""~

"You still can't manage to recall anything from the accident, Edward?"

"You _know _I remember almost nothing, just the sound of the screeching metal around me. I still don't remember seeing that car or the woman who died."

"Yes, I thought so. That memory is probably constantly wiped from your mind. This is what I call a good coincidence; it would be killing you if you remembered."

Dr. Cullen's pager is making a buzzing noise. He looks at the tiny screen.

"Edward," he starts, and then keeps quiet for a few moments.

Something is telling me our session is over now, a bit too quickly.

"You should go. You have a visitor."


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns the original characters.

**Special thanks to: **Nancy, Lotty, Loopy Lou and Vanya. Thank you so much for your support, ladies.

To my readers, thank you for your reviews, follows, favoriting - you're fantastic.

**A/N:**

**1.** I've received questions about Edward's conviction.  
According to Washington State laws, Vehicular homicide is on par with first-degree manslaughter. Before June 7, 2012, an 18-month sentence in jail for Edward is what could be called average. As of nowadays, the conviction would be ca. 6 years.

**2. **The "Vulture Gang" will be mentioned in the text of this chapter. I'm planning on an outtake to tell that story.

**Visits With My Shrink**

**Chapter 10**

"Just a second before you leave the room, son."

I'm almost out the door, but the way Dr. Cullen addresses me makes me spin on my heels and smile. We've gone through _Mr_. _Masen_, _Edward, _and now, _son._ Although he's a bit young for that, and a bit too blonde, he might indeed be the father figure I've been missing my entire life. The kind of person who will scold you and encourage you at the same time, in his delicate manner. The kind of person who will support you and your mother, and not leave you a crying two-year old with a single parent at the age of twenty-five, like my father left me and mom.

Dr. Cullen is a nice person, and I've grown a strong affection toward him during the last seven months. He was assigned to be my therapist back when I almost killed one of the Vulture gang members. Yeah, that's another story. My shrink started with my violent behavior behind bars, but reached the very depths of my soul. He made me unveil every detail of the mishaps that led me here, fourteen months ago. Now, I believe I'm successfully controlling my guilt and my anger.

"Edward, I'm going to sign your papers. There's nothing more I can do for you. You will be released soon."

Four months early. That's fantastic.

"Thank you, Dr. Cullen."

"Please call me Carlisle, now that I'm no longer your therapist."

"My pleasure. I hope we meet again someday, outside."

"I do too, son, I do too. Now go, they're waiting for you downstairs."

That will be Emmett, I suppose. He's been a regular visitor, my connection to the outside world. I've seen him every other week. He's told me about Rosie's recovery, about Bella and Alice getting close, and I mean, _close, _and a few words about Jasper. I haven't asked many questions for fear of being transparent with my feelings. Emmett has told me enough, anyway.

Jasper never mentions my name. He's been busy finishing school, and is now working for Mike's father at Newton's Sports. He is also the one who changes his vegetating father's diapers. Yes, the Major is now a ruin, no sign of the bastard who tortured his family. The Major is paralyzed and mentally ill, Emmett has told me - someone to take care of, and his wife's resigned from that duty. Jasper is now the person to take care of the helpless shadow of his father.

He probably doesn't remember I even exist.

My visitor might be my mom, but not likely. She doesn't come here often; she prefers writing letters. She tells me she loves me, but I know I'm her biggest disappointment. Her son killing an innocent woman in a car accident-that's not easy to digest. Her son, drunk driving, and not remembering a single second of his crime. She's my mom, and she really can't stop loving me, but she will never forgive me. And she doesn't have a clue what made me drink myself into oblivion that day. There is not a single person, besides Bella, whom I can speak to about my feelings for Jasper.

About my love.

Bella has come to visit once a month. When she leaves, I'm a wreck. I speak to her, I whine, I moan, I cry. I spill my heart to her, and I always forget to ask her how she's doing. I'm that bad that I've learned about her relationship with Alice from Emmett and not from the source, because I never hear her. I realize that now. _Forgive me, Bella, you're an incredible person. You've been a wonderful friend. Forgive me_.

My thoughts bounce in my head, jumping from one person to another. I really don't know who my visitor is. I descend the staircase, hoping it will be Emmett. I love seeing him, and I'll be more than happy to let him know I'm going to be out soon.

Then I suddenly realize Dr. Cullen would not interrupt our meeting because of a regular visitor. He knows quite well my best friend comes often. It's either something bad that Emmett has to announce, or it's not Emmett at all. Could be Mom, or Bella, and probably with bad news. Why would they call my therapist in the middle of a session for nothing?

Now, I'm running down the stairs, taking them two at a time. My heart is pounding in my chest, and my imagination is drawing horrible scenarios. I'm at the door of the meeting room in no time, my trembling hand clutching the handle and hesitating to push it. Whoever is in there, this can't be normal, this can't be good. This can't be good in any way. Help me, God. I press the handle and enter.

An officer steps aside to let me in. Blonde curls blind me, and azure eyes stare into mine. I see traces of tears in their corners, but the eyes are fixating me and don't even blink, and I'm speechless. My breath catches, and I can't find the means to make a noise. What I see is something I cannot comprehend, a person who should be out of my life for good. She no longer looks like the marble statue I'm used to, but looks like a beaten and helpless wild animal looking for a shelter. Her eyes are pleading.

"Edward. Oh, Edward."

She runs to me and embraces me for almost a minute, and now I am confused as hell. She has never acknowledged me, and now she's hanging on my neck as if I am her anchor in a stormy ocean.

"Rosie, what the hell…"

"Shut up and listen, Edward." She's so much like her brother, her voice soft and commanding at the same time. "Emmett tells me there is a chance you'll be out soon."

"Yes, it's going to be very soon, a few days."

"I need you to do something, Edward." Her tiny fists clutch the air, and she's no longer looking into my eyes. "Once you're out, come straight to our place. Will you?"

Well, that's a surprise. She's not inviting me for a social visit, that I know. It takes a few seconds for the realization to hit me; it's about Jasper.

"What's wrong with him?" I ask, knowing it won't be good. I was right to anticipate the worst from an unannounced visit. And it is _the_ worst. It's about my love.

"What's wrong with him?" she yells. "You're really asking me _what's wrong with him_?!"

I don't have the answer, I'm sure she sees it in my wide open eyes.

"You have no idea, right?" She nods to herself. "He's fading without you, Edward. He's given up on everything. He's finished. He has no reason to live."


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns the original characters.

**Special thanks to: **Nancy, Lotty, Loopy Lou and Vanya. You are fabulous, ladies.

**Visits With My Shrink**

**Chapter 11**

This is impossible. There's no way I'm the reason for Jasper's state of mind. _My boy doesn't need me, _I've been repeating to myself during all my months in jail. I've become used to the idea that he doesn't want anything to do with me. He has never visited, never sent a message, not a word. Every day, every goddamn day, I've wakened with the vain hope that my soul is healing, and I've fallen asleep with the regret that I cannot forget him. Every fucking day, I've been miserable, and still desperately in love.

Is it possible I've been torturing myself for nothing? But why should I believe Rosalie?

Oh, how I want to believe Rosalie.

Six days after her visit, I'm free. My mom and Emmett are waiting for me in the parking lot. Mom hugs me and sobs, and my friend gives me a fist punch to the shoulder and shows his dimples.

"Good to see you in broad daylight, buddy. Do you need sunglasses? Your eyes are you become photosensitive?" He chuckles. What a pleasant sound.

"Nah, seeing you hurts my eyes, you disgusting psycho." Now we're laughing, and even my mom smiles. We're good.

The truth is, I cried my eyes out the previous night. I simply don't know what to do back in the outside world. I'm terrified. My life is starting over, and I'm like a newborn pushed out of a mother's womb, learning to breathe.

We climb in Emmett's Jeep, with Mom in the backseat, and drive to Forks. I'm uncomfortable; the seatbelt is too tight and presses into my chest in an unpleasant way. I'll be alright, I know that. This is just my first ride after the accident. Next time, it'll be better. Emmett notices my uneven breathing and tries to distract me.

"We shall get you a date as quick as possible. With Bella's new fascination, you're a girlfriend short, huh?" He shakes the seats with his laughter. "Ah, stop sulking, it's not the end of the world. There are tons of chicks out there. There'll be at least one who can cope with your ugly face, Edward, come on."

That's it. I'm ready to tell him I'm not interested. Right before I open my mouth, Emmett bursts into laughter. "Okay, okay, no more jokes about girlfriends, I get it. Where am I going? Your place?"

My place, yes. I need a shower, clean clothes, and then I'm going to keep my promise to Rosalie. No way I'm going straight to their place-I carry the stench of prison.

The familiar tiles of my bathroom walls are a soothing sight. There's the crack that resembles Jasper's profile. There's the set of razors I used right before I left for our last date. There's the cologne I sprayed behind my ear while imagining the nude form and the boots behind an opened door. Seems like it was a thousand years ago. The shower sprays its warmth over my head, and I close my eyes and sink into the unnatural calmness of the moment. I had a boy, I had my love, it was beautiful.

Now, I don't have anything. Only a tiny grain of hope needing to be planted somewhere, but my mind refuses to take it in. It lays in my palm waiting for me to show some bravery, to turn the water off, get dressed, and leave for Jasper's place.

That I do, after a terrible hour of hesitation. My heels tap an uneven rhythm over the cab floor. The driver is annoying, and red light after red light play with my nerves. Am I ever going to be there?

When I get to the building, I'm a mess. I can barely make it to the second floor, and before I reach my destination, I've lost the hardness of my spine. My legs are playing tricks, not willing to take the final steps. I bend against the wall and wait for my body to stop shaking. _You have no guts, Edward, you're a jellyfish, _I mentally scold myself, and I fail to hear the sound of the opening door.

There he stands; motionless, breathtaking, immaculate.

"I've been waiting for you." The beautiful voice is the balm for my wounded soul. "Come."

I make the final steps, and he stretches his arm and lays his hand on my shoulder. A bolt of lightning hits me, and I see white. God, I've missed his touch.

"I've missed your touch, Jasper," I hear myself saying. His name is a marvelous tune. "Jasper…" But I can't speak anymore. He is kissing me. I'm in heaven, just like my memories.

He grabs my hand and pulls me inside the apartment. I kick the door closed and he kisses me again, his lips wanting and desperate. When we break the kiss, gasping for air, I see tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Edward, oh my God, Edward. What are you doing to me, my dear Lord." His hands don't leave my back and the warmth is burning. "Rosalie is an idiot, why would she ask you to come! I can't stay away from you anymore, I just… I can't! It's… it's impossible!"

"Jasper, wait… my love, why would you stay away?"

"How can I be your _love_, Edward? How can I be with you? I'm ruining you, I'm a monster! Can't you see what I will turn into? Did you not see my father?"

"You're not making any sense, Jasper!"

"I'm acting more and more like him. I'm rude, I'm arrogant, I'm a sulky demanding freak! That's what I am!"

"And I love you the way you are."

"This can't be."

I grab his shoulders and shake his whole body. "Now you listen to me, baby." I emphasize every word. "I. Love. You. The way you are. Period."

He stares intently into my eyes, and we stare silently for several moments. I think the idea of my unconditional love finally dawns on him. The sparkle returns to his eyes, and he nods. "I love you, too. More than you can imagine."

Then it's my turn to kiss him, until I realize we're probably not alone in the apartment.

"Where are the others?"

"Mom's left for several days to visit her hometown, and Rosie took dad for a walk in his wheelchair. We're alone."

_We're alone._

Those words unleash an unexpected reaction in my brain. Two things happen simultaneously; my dick twitches in my pants, and my knees go weak, so I have to grind myself into Jasper's groin - that feels like the most natural action. He doesn't move away, but presses himself to me even harder. My boy is aroused, too. I need to be sure, so I insert my hand between our bodies and gently rub right next to where the buttons are in my way.

_Yes, he's hard as a rock_.

I remove my hand and bury it in his curls. They are longer now, but I can't distract myself with his haircut any more. He whispers in my ear, "Touch me there again, please. Please."

He lays his head on my shoulder, and his breath ruffles the tiny hairs on my neck. I rub the same spot again, not so gently, and his dick moves under the material of his jeans. We need to lose the clothes immediately.

"My room, now."

He is demanding - my boy is back. I smile, rushing in front of him, and he follows. Once we're inside his room, he turns to lock the door. A thought flashes through my mind, and I stop him, grabbing his hand. "Don't. I'll do it for you." I turn the key slowly, just once.

Nothing and no one is going to stop us. Not this time.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns the original characters.

**Special thanks to: **Nancy, Lotty, Loopy Lou - I think we are a team now, and I love you.

Vanya, you're so very special, thank you for being my inspiration.

**A/N:** This is the last chapter, enjoy. Thank you all for being with me.

**Visits With My Shrink**

**Chapter 12**

We stand still, naked, facing each other.

My veins are filled with scorching thick lava, running slowly, pumping and destroying me from the inside. I'm no longer a human being, I'm a weightless creature floating over the ground, my head in the clouds, breathing thin air. I think the amazing man in front of me is from a fairytale. He's flawless. I run my hand over his naked form and inhale his precious scent. His body is sculpted, and feels like velvet and satin. If I die, this is where I want to spend eternity, caressing this God's creation's skin and adoring every curve. He's delicate and powerful, insanely beautiful and inexplicably frightening, the most amazing and the most confusing person I can imagine. He's Jasper. And he's mine.

I know I love him from the bottom of my heart, and I love him even a bit more when he finds the courage to move closer and take my cock in his hand. He squeezes lightly and moves his fist up and down, just once, and I can feel my eyes are coming out of their sockets. When he gets on his knees and runs the tips of his fingers on the head, I struggle to stay conscious. The featherlike brush of his tongue over my shaft is startling and extremely pleasant. My knees become weak, more than ever, and I feel I will fall if I have to stay upright.

"Let's move to the bed," I whisper. He obeys, standing up and making the three steps in a blink of an eye, stopping beside my promised land and waiting for me to approach.

I follow him on unsteady feet, then take his body in my arms and lay him onto the covers tenderly, as if holding a porcelain doll. I climb next to him, on my knees, and watch him adjust his position. In the next moment, he's not porcelain; he's all fire when he takes my erection in his mouth. I'm ready to cry out expletives and blessings at the same time, but my throat is dry and only a strangled moan emerges. He moans too, and begins a mind blowing progression, taking me deeper, and deeper, and deeper into the heavenly wetness of his mouth.

My lips are stiff, and my insides are dead. My skin is freezing and burning at the same time under his touch, as a magnificent hand strokes the low planes of my back and approaches the tender spot between my cheeks. It never reaches there, but breaks the contact, and then I feel his touch behind my balls. He finds a spot where electricity runs, and the impact sends me into shivers. A stronger touch, and a tide washes away the remains of my brain, making my whole body a big pulsating fireball ready to explode.

I watch his stunning face in awe. His eyes glisten with something animalistic. A suffocating need arises suddenly inside me, and I use all my will not to push harder into his mouth. He manages to take me even deeper, and I feel I'm ready to explode.

I barely get out the word, "Jasper," and my load is bursting out into his throat uncontrolled. I collapse in the same moment and fight for breath, and his hand caresses my inner thigh, rubbing gentle circles in a soothing rhythm.

I need a minute to catch up with the reality of what just happened. It was better than my imagination, better than all of my dreams inside the prison walls. I'm back to the realization that I'm blessed.

The blonde curls spill over the pillow next to me, and Jasper's eyes are closed. His hand never stops the soothing movements, and I know he's not asleep. His uneven breath gives away his disturbed emotions. He suddenly opens his eyes and snaps his head toward me.

"I love you, Edward."

_Come, scythe, and take me before I wake up._ "I love you, too, Jasper."

"No, baby, I don't you understand. I'm so in love with you, I think I'll stop breathing if you leave this room."

"If you stop breathing, I stop breathing, Jasper. It's simple. I understand."

He embraces me and keeps quiet. His hard-on stirs against my hipbone. After a minute of silence, he speaks again.

"Make love to me."

I'm immediately aroused. Terrified, but painfully aroused. I look into his eyes and find a pleading need, changing into that bestiality that makes my insides squirm. My terror is defeated by the enormous amount of lust his body radiates, while his kissing lips wipe the remaining reason from my mind.

All my worries are blown away but one; I don't have my pack of condoms and lube. Stupid. As if reading my mind, Jasper stretches an arm to the drawer beside the bed and pulls out a small tube and a pack. "You'll need these."

I hesitate once more, but he doesn't give me the time to think it over. He rolls the condom over my shaft, and his touch is so magnificent I forget all my worries. It suddenly feels natural to raise his ankles and gently place them over my shoulders. It feels natural to apply some lube and press a finger to his precious center and push in, slowly, so slowly. I don't stop looking in his eyes for a sign of discomfort, but he shows none. I see pure, animalistic lust; he's lost in the sensation. My second finger goes in, and Jasper looks peaceful, one corner of his lip raised in a smile. He's gorgeous. I add more lube to his center and all over my length, and I'm ready. Then I'm in. Dear Lord.

I make the most delicate movements, trying to be gentle. I know it must be hurting, and when he gasps, I hold still. I trace my fingers over his inner thigh and stare into his eyes for a sign of resentment. There's none. He's still aroused. I can see his length between our bodies, and I feel the urge to grab and stroke it. He closes his eyes and smiles wider. I push further.

I slowly increase the rhythm of my movements, going deeper with every thrust until my entire cock is engulfed. That is the moment when I know everything is perfect. I give in to the heavenly hotness of Jasper's body.

It's too soon when he starts mirroring my movements. He grinds his cock into my palm and adjusts his pace, lifting his ass to meet my angle. Something is happening that makes him shiver. A drop of his pre-cum glistens on my fingers. The fireball inside me is close to bursting out, but I'm determined to wait for his release. I'm more than grateful when I feel his body uncontrollably shaking. The moment he spills his cum in my palm, I let go and release my tension inside his warm, marvelous body.

"I love you, Jasper."

"And I love you, Edward."

I can die now. Who could ask for a better death?

~""~

"Mr. Masen. Mr. Masen?"

Dr. Cullen is shaking my shoulder.

Ah, I must have dozed off...

**A/N:** If you want to throw objects at me, please don't. There will be a sequel.

This part is marked complete.

THE END


	13. Chapter 13

Hi,

This is not a new chapter, it's a messagge to those who follow the "Visits".

"The Vulture Gang" outtake is now posted as a separate story.

The Sequel to the "Visits" will be posted under the name "A Message From My Shrink". I suppose the "Follow Author" option will be useful :)

Thank you for being with me.

xxx

Dora


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